Frequently Asked Questions

The Grant

Is this for real?
Yes. Unlike the moon landing, Grouspawn is for real. It’s really real. For real.
How do I apply for the college grant?
Fill out this form. You and your co-spawner must have used a Groupon on your first date and must prove it with a multitude of evidence: a photo taken with a newspaper with a date on it, testimonials, credit-card statements, blogs, etc.
What are you looking for in an applicant?
We have very low standards. The amount of proof you’ll need to submit in order to earn the grant will eliminate most people. Beyond that, you must only possess a desire to send your child to college.
When you need to take a photo with your unsuspecting future Grouspawn partner, but don’t want to freak him or her out by explaining your plans to spawn a Grouspawn, explain away your photo-taking, with one of these can’t-fail explanations:
“There’s no film in this camera, I’m just trying to dazzle you with flashing lights.”
“I’m on a scavenger hunt and I need to take a photo with an extremely attractive person.”
“My college guidance counselor said I would never go on a date. Will you help me prove him wrong?”
“Sorry, I’m a paparazzo and I mistook you for one of them Kardashians.”
“Just because you’re not in high school doesn’t mean you can’t make a yearbook every year.”
“I take photos because I lost my short term memory saving orphans from a rollercoaster accident.”
“I’m taking all these photos so we can go on a date when you’re not around.”
“Without a photo, nobody will believe we dated because I normally date a Japanese body pillow.”
“Camera? No, this is a futuristic box that flashes when I’m with my soulmate.”
“I paid a lot of money for this camera, and god damn it, I’m gonna use it!”
What happens after I apply for the grant?
Our crack team of nosy researchers will investigate if you have, in fact, gestated a true Grouspawn. This may include talking to friends and family, delving into your personal life, and taking samples of fluids you didn’t even know you had. By the time your spawn turns 18, college will cost a million dollars a second and will be located inside the moon, so it’s worth it.
What does this cost?
Nothing. Grouspawn’s dating service, like love, is literally worthless.
What if I spawned twins?
No problem! They can attend college through a complicated scheme in which they pretend to be one person.
My parents conceived me while on a Groupon date. Do I qualify?
You might, but only if they used a Groupon on their very first date and they have a way to prove it.
Does the Groupon Promise apply to my co-DNA donor or Grouspawn? Like, if I don’t like him/her, can I get a refund on the price of the Groupon?
No.

The Date Assistant

How does the Date Assistant work?
Browse our selection of eligible hunks and she-hunks—they’re all real people. Take a second to create your own profile, then contact your potential love interest/spawn partner
Does Groupon vet the people on the site?
Unlike our high-quality deals, we are in no way vouching for the authenticity, non-creepiness, or criminal record of anyone on this site. Any interaction stemming from the Grouspawn Date Assistant is up to you. Be smart and follow common sense. For some first-date safety tips, check out this advice from Match.com
What if I don’t see anyone I’m into, or can’t find a date on here?
You can still give birth to a Grouspawn even if you don’t use our Date Assistant. Here are five other places you may find love:

  • Supermarket
  • Gym
  • Mattress Store
  • Veterinary Hospital Bathroom
  • Amusement-Park Tram Ride
Why did you create the Date Assistant?
Our planet (Earth) is dangerously underpopulated. To address this alarming fact, we’re encouraging our customers to meet each other and procreate, thus populating the planet with additional Groupon customers.
How are babies made?
It’s disgusting.
Where are your terms of service?
Click here.